Penelope - a short story.

Penelope was raised in a very old fashioned household. Being a young kindred spirit she was constantly burned by her own soul calling for more.

Now you may ask, why is it a burden to be so connected to your soul?

Well I think we can all agree that to survive we must conform, at least that much is true in the early years when we are relying on the old.

So through her years she had found that that voice calling her name and guiding her got very quiet and dim. Replaced by the external, covered up and ignored, the layers of programming and opinions kept multiplying, in turn the connection once thin had turned to a thick steel lining.

Perhaps in that case we all experience something of such comparison, in my own mind I believe that in fact it is protection. Protection of the soft, delicate ways that a true soul speaks their truth, not one to yell but when we quiet the distractions there’s definitely no denying.

To say one would enjoy creating an identity that would help her in her years to grow, prosper and excel is quite favourable, but there comes a time in everyone's life where the people around you are unavailable. When that time comes what do we have? Only but ourselves.

Well with this faded and distorted view that has been pressed on by others there really is no comfort in it when the lights go dark and all we have is ourselves. The comfort comes from the inside, our inner being, our soul and self. That’s true comfort. At least it was for Penelope.

So with the vision she had created of a life she once believed was perfect, crumbled, so did she.

In this space is where we find ourselves once again, because truly - who do we really want seeing us at rock bottom? Penelope, as some would call, was an introvert. Someone who enjoyed being alone, someone who truly relished in the moments she had with her dogs and the sun shining in. Its where she felt most clear and most connected.

To her, in crowds, she would scan and dissect - not in an intrusive sense, but with a great desire of curiosity, one that could not be tamed, so she learned balance. Alone and not alone. Alone is where she could sift through the parts of her day that rattled, intrigued, or inspired her. Alone was where there was no energetic influences that would distract her from the important work she was embarking on. While others enjoyed a night on the town to let loose and relax, she enjoyed the solitude of her home, with a glass of wine and her dogs - perhaps if someone was lucky enough to join, she was pleased to conversate on her endless mind and how she believed the world to work. But that was a luxury, to be let in and opened to the great expanse that was her mind.

There had been few who we’re granted the privilege of peeking and searching through the files that she kept inside, as she had been burned before.

Can one ever forget the heart ache of being betrayed?

Betrayal, a word with as much force as an individual grants it. Being such that one may never truly understand the pain behind one simple action that leads to betrayal. It is a word and it is an experience that is divisible by none, it is something that we carry and hold on to until our work is done.

Now I’m getting off topic here, or maybe there is no such way to go, as Penelope would think - the only direction is forward, so let’s let it flow.

In her dwelling, I almost said cave but the imagery may throw you off. It is a pleasant cave, if you’re wondering, one with art on every wall and perhaps a tapestry or two. She loved visually appealing objects and was eccentric in every way, nothing ever clashed and everything went the right way.

Penelope started her ascension as many of us do - in a pit of despair and a longing for more, a perfect combination for a breakthrough. She searched and searched externally for people, places and things to fill the void that had felt like was the only thing that never changed.

Penelope truly yearned for a connection that was true, after all you can only talk to your dogs for so long until they start to sound like you. Is that so bad? Penelope thought, her mind started going again, she never could seem to quiet the damn thing and it ran rampant in her head. I enjoy my own company, I am with myself all the time, why can I not see myself for who I truly am?

I yearn to know and love myself as people say they do, what is holding me back? Penelope thought, well fuck.. it must be you!

What inside of me is holding me back from truly seeing the truth? Is it my opinion of myself? The opinions of others? What can it possibly be.

She looks at her phone - still no reply, the pit returns again. That aching void, of love ignored was knocking at the door again.

There was a turn of events in this very moment that shook Penelope to her core, what if she were to give herself the love that others had ignored?

Now that sounds selfish she thought to herself, if I keep this all to myself - people will fall away and I will feel the shame of living life alone.

Well isn’t that what you’ve wanted all along? The contradiction of such a troubled past had made her heart grow cold. Where there in fact she realized that - unconditional love had more rewards. If she loved herself it would soon be felt by all those that she had given.

But in return she would not be burned as she grew to learn.

A life with no betrayal truly sounds like fiction, I feel we all have or will have a moment, a glimpse or an entire awakening where we realize that it is the duality of the life we were given. To love is to chance the unknown ending which Penelope felt as betrayal. Then I suppose to love is to lose, but in a much more sunnier sense, that at least one had loved and felt the sun shining on the two, the heart break that ensues is up to you to heal and grow from after. With all this said it is sure to be known and that through these trials we face, that when everything crashes and we are back in touch with the quiet voice in our minds, that it is you - who truly knew exactly what would happen.

That’s where the comfort lies is sitting inside of you. Penelope is still learning and so am I on how valuable this relationship is, nothing external it’s all internal - the relationship with you.

Now where we left off that I didn’t mention was the reason why we find it difficult to look at ourselves with sans the veil of the life that we expected. It is that in fact, the expectations that cloud our conscious mind. For if we desire something certain, we only look at that as being our only option. So you could say that the human brain actually works quite efficiently, it’s only when we make friends and retrain that little bugger when we can see without judgement and rebuild what once was broken.

And now this story may have turned into a little poem, I hope you know that through it is a message that I, myself am still learning. I do thank you for taking the time to read this little read, as it came to me I wanted to share it with you and help you in some way.