Life’s a ride.. Ride it
what a wild week!
my heart is full and i'm really feeling all over the place right now.
what else is new lol
monday i got the most thoughtful and amazing surprise from my unicorn goddess - and my birthday week commenced. 2 presents a day and i was gifted the most thoughtful presents ever lol
a lifetime supply of mac and cheese, glitter, my favourite shirt which is her favourite shirt lol among many others, including food - shepherds pie, chicken pot pie.. she knows food is the way to my heart lol
on wednesday i got an email asking if i could farm sit for a month on the island
i thought about it for half a second..
it came at the perfect time.
i know for myself and i'm sure the mass population of earth, is feeling deep right now
i have realized i can't run away from my unhappiness, this void.
it follows me wherever I go
and its asking for me to pay attention - to myself.. to really listen - to LOVE
I chase the external for a sense of fulfillment, unsure of how to gift it to myself. If I don’t receive it i turn inward and feel a sense of victimhood that i am doing something wrong - why is this person not making me feel great anymore?
there's a method to the madness and the hardest part for me is looking back at it - my life that is, with regret.
regret that i didn't live where i could have and instead stayed in my comfort zone which felt safe but was ultimately creating this looming dread. 28 years and did i really LIVE my life where I could have?
our minds can run on these outdated stories, and our brains actually find external validation for them. it's amazing really, we are our own best friends and worst enemies, where if you believe something is real it actually is reality.. for you.
These limiting beliefs bubbling and asking - are you sure this is true? Is this really what your soul is telling you life is? or is this ready to shed.
which is why its so powerful to question - even when we are on a ruminating roll of self destruction, to question what is real and what is fabricated our brain just wants to keep us "safe". there's always another perspective. it can be hard though, and i am no stranger to self destructive cycles.
27 is the year of karma, our Saturn returns, and shit did this year ever dredge up my karma lol i was face to face with all my innards and gizzards.
I tried as hard as i could to look the other way from what was ultimately screaming at me.. that i was living my life half assed. running away from what my heart wanted because i wanted to feel safe.
and here i am writing this the day before I turn 28 saying i don't know shit, other than I am a hedonist through and through.. anything that doesn't feel awesome to me I don't want it..
BUT everything i want is on the other side of this shit threshold LOL
the feelings of shit that is, such as uncomfortable, awkward, not perfect-ness. not knowingness. new people, places and things.
this may be all gibberish ramblings but all in all..
i decided in the name of personal gain to take the opportunity
we got to the island yesterday and fed peacocks at Beacon Hill park, roamed around and ate tacos, opened amazing birthday presents (gifts is totally one of my love languages lol) and when we got to the farm it was surreal..
it's an 87 acre ocean front farm in Sooke filled with 2 baby pigs, 2 baby sheep, 2 donkeys, 4 goats, a llama, chickens, and some ducks. the house was built in 1887 (don't quote me) it's like 129 years old.. so I won't be watching scary movies for the month lol but it's amazing.
one thing i've realized since being here just for this short time is routine - humans are animals, and like animals i see a healthy routine of waking up, eating brekky, roaming around for the day, eating again, and then going for a lay down.
but they are ultimately happy, and fulfilled. They know what they need.
So I am guided here to take time and find self soothing, self love, and fulfilling practices i can bring home with me
regardless of everything, this is a month (my birthday month lol) of self realization, not only the good shit i wanna see but the other shit that is weighing me down and keeping me from truly living my life fully. I want to be shown the old patterns that are no longer serving me and thank them for their time. I want to be my own best friend and be independently satiated before I ask for others to be a light in my life - i need to see my own.
self love isn't just letting yourself run away from everything that feels uncomfortable, it's pushing through the hard shit we don't wanna look at, and loving ourselves more because of it.
tomorrow is one of my favourite days ever lol and it's a new year in my life. it's the witch in me that loves a good celebration and ritual with a meaningful intention - this year I'm releasing the idea of perfection, it's paralyzing.
i'm welcoming in connection with myself, listening to myself, and being there for myself so i can ultimately share that fully with others. I'm giving myself the grace of being human, and trusting that humans have hearts, big ones that they use lol to love people. I'm coming out of my den and allowing myself to be seen. Awkwardly bumbling not knowing what I’m doing but have clear sights on where I want to go.
my heart, it's everywhere. thank you my love for the most amazing birthday weekend, I'm beyond grateful you are in my life, you're as perfect as a human can be. Thank you Dinah for the amazing week, and your thoughtful amazingness - you're so fucking awesome. And thank you Jessie.. for being able to love yourself enough to know that yes you are worthy of this amazing life you are creating.. the best is yet to come and i appreciate every up and down in the process.
by the way if you're still here, here's some pictures of the weekend lol I will be infiltrating you with baby pigs, sheep, donkeys, goats, llamas, chickens and ducks because apparently I'm a farmer for the month.
