A Cynical Rant Regarding Life’s Confusion
I’m finding one of the most difficult things about evolution is the stretching of the ego - which may just be another connotation for stretching my comfort zone.
Allowing my brain to also grow.
Funny concept.
When we think in comfort zones a lot of the time for me personally i feel it’s a “doing”
Okay i need to go out and DO something
When in reality perhaps it is much more simple and vapid.
The polarities of it all… stretching our brains and perhaps sitting in the uncomfortability
Wrapping our 3D minds around something so incomprehensible as the never ending, always evolving, Universe it self is not an over night success
Full circle back to giving up control
What does the mind know anyway.. It used to know
When we were foraging and trying to survive as a species in caves
Life was so much simpler back then… lol eat mushrooms, dreads, no sense of personal hygiene you got to die at 20 and it was normal LOL sorry, i’m in a dark place right now
But still then we used our bodies instinct to sense when danger was near
Now there’s so much convulusion surrounding us that it feels almost impossible to understand what the body is saying without the chatter of the mind, perhaps a few unwanted hormones from our foods, GMO’s infiltrating our supermarket shelves, society barking orders and structures, the rights and wrongs of religion.. Not to get dark but really
Why did I incarnate on earth at this time?
Apparently I can handle this?
Great lol
The ebbs and flow of life can mimic insanity at times
They say 27 is your hardest year and i will attest to that
Karma is coming out of the yang… maybe mostly yin lol
Mine seems to be solely based around relationships
How i give myself away too easily for love
How i abandon myself for external validation leaving me feel empty and lifeless
I can give away my power in unhealthy ways ultimately leaving me depleted and lost
I get lost in another person becoming them out of habit in hopes that i will never be alone
Or how i put others needs before my own ultimately programming my body to live under stress 100% of the time
Face to face with the reality of me
Putting my needs first and forgetting that others have their own minds and emotions probably not surrounded directly around mine
Lol like wtf!! Everything is 2 sided. My karma, my life, me.. how can one gain the concept of self when everything is multifaceted and ever changing.
I am nowhere near the person I was however long ago, even yesterday.
It feels like i'm in a cyclone with no sense of direction and i have my ego yelling at me telling me i'm doing everything wrong
My ego and I are fighting hard right now. What seems to be is no longer or never was and what to do next i am stumped on due to me being disconnected from my body’s intelligence for far too long allowing my mind to run the show
Is he lying? Am I being too much? Was yelling out of line? Why do I feel like I’m gonna throw up? Is it because I need out or that I have a fear that I'm hiding from myself?
Lol fack… BREATHE
My intuition has been screaming at me for a while now
Telling me? Well i’ve been in such a heated state that i’m still not sure
But i know that i’m not healthy right now
A feeling of loss and sadness overwhelms me
Jealousy and spite
A feeling of giving up, but when my body is no longer functioning and i have no more give to give then what choice do i have in a situation
I have tried for a long time and some things just don’t mix
A big ol confusing mess with my ego worrying and trying to solve a problem the universe already has a solution for lol
I get a closed heart when i feel hurt obviously lol i can sense it in my writing, it’s more cynical than anything maybe it's a coping mechanism for a fear of vulnerability lol
But jessie, this is for you
Yes it is for me.
It’s teaching me that no one is worth me losing myself over
That the real relationships i crave need me to be stable and secure in myself and nothing else
One thing that is still boggling me is if these patterns are subject to certain people or if they follow me everywhere? Asking for a friend.. or wait i said me.. so yeah I’m asking
Do I need to seclude and remove myself from a situation involving the trigger or if I resolve the pattern will the trigger move on.. Probably as I type this I answer my own question. The ego trying to keep me safe while i control the situation
The long and short of everything is releasing control and surrendering
My hedonistic qualities have been rearing their beautiful little noggins recently where heartbreak, grief and loss are nothing that i want to feel EVER.. actually no shitty feeling please.. Can i just be perfect and happy 24/7?
Well then you wouldn’t appreciate the good parts!
I would too! Lol i’d be happy all the time so what’s the difference lol
So I will go to the ends of the earth to ultimately not feel them until I am forced lol and then i complain.
I guess self sabotage lol because truly what it does is lead me on a slow trail of suffering when I reach the marker at the same point that I was trying to avoid.. Ahh trauma you little mother fucker, back again with another dose of crap
You mean I didn't learn the first time? So I have to go through it again? To make sure that I will learn it this time and clear my karma? Lol
Maybe the universe does know better than me.. Wait, I thought I knew everything!
Wah… lol
Truthfully through all this shit being dug up right now I know that I am learning, the hard way perhaps but the attachments are so real.. I don't know if anyone else feels this but like damn i attach like a leech to things i think i need or to things that jingle my wounds.. aren’t humans funny
I’m here writing this complaining about what I’m going through when in reality i fucking came to earth to experience these things so i could heal lol it’s like… perfectly orchestrated LOL
I’ve been this way my whole life i can remember as a child my mum bringing me to a store and i thought i needed everything in it lol or maybe just one thing but i fucking NEEDED it like my life depended on it.
And if i didn’t get it i would be sad and cry, obviously some things never change and why should they.. Cry if you want to, be yourself lol it’s a release.. but so is yawning - imagine yourself uncontrollably yawning instead of crying lol
Afterall self expression is key isn’t it
Regardless if i did receive what i wanted i would play with it and only it for a while and then get bored lol - dass still me lol
I tend to hyper focus and so when this all gets related towards relationships when i find one that really strikes a chord in me and has me holding on for dear life a mix of abandonment wounds, father wounds and poor self esteem come rushing to the surface and i fucking need this.. amongst other wounds lol
Ahhhhh trauma bonds you’re back!!
Ugh.. What have I learned?
I am worthy of love. I am worthy of loving myself. And when in love, it’s not all about me.. So choose your partners carefully.
Glossed over quite considerably lol but in truth i feel lessons are what unlocks us from our trauma. Because we learn! YAY! Learning!
And surrender right.. Can’t forget that..
Oh yeah! And also keep your heart open, try not to be a c*** while getting your point across and just remember….
Life is a big giant mirror and EVERYTHING you see in someone else.. Yeah it’s in you too - legit everything. EVERYTHING!! You just gotta use your creativity and see where, and what is STOPPING you from seeing it in yourself
I’ve definitely noticed shifts where it feels a lot easier to just say what’s on my mind rather than just dwelling and keeping myself in analysis paralysis.. Oh no what will they think.. Has seemed to have left the building
Uh oh.. What am i becoming
