EGO dissolution
Sometimes we can talk ourselves into the most horrendous of experiences.
What is it truly saying to us?
Our mind is a powerful tool and if used correctly it can catapult us into new dimensions.
On either spectrum of high and low.
I am in the midst of a deep awakening. Having some very intense emotional turmoil. And ego deaths.
I am seeing how I push others away out of self hatred.
Expectations can kill people.
Expectations can kill who you thought you were and who you expect others to perceive you as..
It's all a mask. The faces of others that we perceive through the very lens of our own subconscious.
There really is no one, individual. When we see through the eyes of our ego it is all a mirror of self.
Expectations of judgment due to our own hyper criticism of ourselves.
Expectations of perfection due to our own strive for perfection.
And what does it lead to?
It led me into isolation. For a very long time.
Isolation from everything I “knew” I wanted. But sabotaged my way in the process. Sabotaged my way into believing that I had to be the best for everyone, I had to be everyone’s everything so that I would be loved.
It’s a perfect example of subconscious programming. Consciously wanting an outcome and sabotaging due to trauma. That’s the work.
Completely oblivious to the love that was present and in front of me.
Because I couldn’t see it or feel it because I deemed myself as unworthy, subconsciously a long time ago.
Trauma can really fuck with a person. But it is never permanent. In ways it will always stay with us, creating a mark or a scar on the soul. It will rear it’s wounds every now and then, asking for love. The release of it comes through acceptance and the healing comes from love.. Of self.
When someone is affected by trauma there is no one person who can heal the wound, other than ourselves. It is us who will lick the wounds. Others may try and help but the identity the wound creates is our own responsibility. It is a part of ourselves now created for safety, to ensure it never happens again.
So when someone comes in and tests the beliefs that this wound had created, it feels unsafe, uncertain and pushes it away.
It is through self realization that we truly heal and expand.
We open our hearts to new experiences. Our hearts grow to not only love others.. But to truly love ourselves, first.
That is when we can truly see others as individuals, rather than some sort of attack on our egoic structure and identity.
My emotions would override the constant battle with perfection. To be liked by everyone.
Too many masks at once created a threshold that I could not obtain.
My ego is battling with hearts, open and willing to love me.
The block?
A lifetime of self hatred.. Perhaps many. All screaming, I’m unworthy of love how can you love someone like me. Karma?
feeling stuck and in fear of vulnerability with this cloak of shame so i would stay hidden away, unaware of my own self sabotage.
it was always someone else DOING these things to me.
If only I had these people around me it would have been different, if you only just paid more attention to me then I would be happier. If you could only do this, or that, then i’d be comfortable.
never looking at myself because the cuts are so deep, it takes time and patience to muster the courage to face the one person who will never abandon you, yourself.
there will always be someone, something, some situation to blame. Our ego does not like change.. It wants to keep us safe and safety from years prior looks a lot different to safety in the here and now.
but guess who’s the common denominator between it all.. ourselves.
it’s not because of this or that externally.. it’s because you feel it, it’s because there’s a part of you looking for acceptance and love. Some part that has been shunned and excluded and is screaming for attention. We can find crutches everywhere we go, but a crutch only lasts until we get bored. When change arrises, the crutch no longer serves.
It’s time to face the facts. The only person who is standing in your way is you.
Don’t let your traumas run the show. Stand in courage and love to face your demons and trust that you will make it through.
it sucks..
Seeing it and worst of all feeling it. It’s a ride.
I see myself pointing the finger. Conversating and judging as they open up and be vulnerable.. Creating stories around who they are and fitting them into the box I had created for them in my mind.
My soul was no longer driving, programs of betrayal and fear were.
Our parents are human, only trying to do their best.
I grew up in my mum’s life, being her right hand and always needing to be show ready. She would use me as her prop in social situations. I would be included and she always had a room of eyes on her. It may not have always felt good. But it did feel like I was important, I was liked.. I could shmooze the room and people knew who I was.
When it came time to individuate, i had no concept of who i was because my mum had always told me who to be. It followed me around. Until I was shown what I am with no one around. It was a crutch.
This is my reality, not anyone else's. I’m the savior in this life of mine. Reaching and pulling at people to put up with me as I sabotage and blame.
It's my perception of myself that creates the reality I live in.
I am scared that people will see who i am and leave me so I've been drowning in control.
Controlling myself, controlling situations, controlling divine intervention.
In a state of fear that if i don’t have an act and if I’m not the loudest person in the room I will not be remembered and I will not be liked and that leads to being outcasted, forgotten.
Holding back from experiencing life because of the fear around perfectionism, vulnerability and not being good enough as I am.
Crippling. I reached the end of my rope.
With all the stories, lies and constructs my ego had created to keep me safe in the past are crumbling. I finally know what it means to let go.
Releasing myself from the chains and prisons of my mind.
I would push people away by making them try more and do more so I can feel some sense of love. It's a pattern. I’m releasing.
I’m being pushed to let go, let go. It has everything to do with what I think of myself.
