Codependency
What a fueled subject for me personally..
I feel I have struggled with codependency my whole life, and I felt like writing about it openly to see if I can navigate through it and help someone else who may be struggling. I myself still am wondering how and why it’s so relevant in my relationships and life.
What is Codependency?
The term 'codependency' is often used casually to describe relationships where a person is needy, or dependent upon, another person. There is much more to this term than everyday clinginess. ... In its simplest terms, a codependent relationship is when one partner needs the other partner, who in turn, needs to be needed.
The “need” can be attention, self-worth, validation, security - anything!
This need is usually what we were missing in childhood and we search for it in our adult relationships because we were never given it as children, or taught how to give it to ourselves.
Mine is a mix of the above. You’ll know yours by perhaps writing out your needs or listing out what you’re missing from your relationships, it can also be intuitively by breathing and centering and then asking your subconscious.
How does one give themselves attention?
There are posts listing millions of things that we can do to give ourselves attention but here I am up at 2am (again.. ah eclipse season and wild dreams but thank you creativity) still wondering because I haven’t found my “right” answer so I’m going to find it while writing this post.
I feel codependency is linked to traumatic events - remembering traumatic is not some grand event (it can be but doesn’t have to be) it can be as simple as our parents telling us a piece of creative work we made was not good enough, and that experience builds and layers on itself and these beliefs are what create our needs in relationships. Unfortunately they are also the shadow that we re-enact in relationships until we heal the programming underneath them.
It can also root from many other things I’m sure - attachment styles w/ the classic anxious/avoidant, being where one is very open and anxiously attached to their partner always seeking their attention (me) lol and avoidant being in my own words fearful of commitment and then pushes away where the fears and too much attention causes them to retract.
Mark Groves is an amazing relationship guru, if you haven’t heard of him I highly suggest listening to his podcast and his instagram is “createthelove”
He talks all things relationships and is super knowledgeable, also fellow Canadian lol
There are two questions he asked that blew my mind and I think link perfectly to codependency
These should be answered from a subconscious state - so this can be done w/ the first answer that comes to mind or can be dug deeper through Theta. Remember to release judgement and just go with the first answers that come up - these are the truthful ones, not the sifted and filtered through ego answers.
the first being:
When I love people they..
cheat on me - to dig deeper, lose interest, run away
the second being:
When I let people love me they..
are mean to me, criticize me, pick me apart, or in a weird turn I run away and self sabotage
These are all aspects of ourselves that need love and are in the shadow. We don’t consciously think these thoughts they are subconsciously programmed.
Consciously we want love, we search for secure attachments and dream about an amazing, free love with depth - you see how our subconscious runs our life? 95% of our life is run by our subconscious mind, the other 5% is consciously driven, but the greater majority we can’t run away from. That can be the reason behind our daily habits taking so long to form and stick to is because we have these subconscious beliefs behind the scenes making things feel difficult and hard to integrate.
Being aware of these are the savior and you will be the one to uncover these hidden treasures.
They are treasures because they are the roadmap to your fulfillment
I’m talking to you, but I’m truly talking to both of us lol because I am still learning also, still uncovering these.
Maybe I’ll dig into my past a bit and help myself and show you how we can get to the bottom of these needs.
Now that we’ve been chatting about our codependency lol our, sorry MY
a cool bit of info based on our subconscious is that it’s not the bad guy just because it is feeding us garbage (sometimes) it actually WANTS to help us, it is created to help us survive and these beliefs are just programmed to survive and keep us safe. The same is true for changing them.. when we ask ourselves a question in a subconscious state (ex. Theta) our subconscious wants to give us the answer we are looking for and that’s where slowing the conscious mind down allows our subconscious to speak.
So breathing in and centering: Where does my codependent behavior stem from?
I’m getting it’s generational so it was passed down to me. Which I definitely see patterns in my family relating to that. I want to go deeper with this so i center again and breathe.
remembering that centering is lowering our consciousness into our hearts and breathing deeply, clearing the subconscious and allowing the answer come to us not the other way around - searching.
Interesting, so I just saw how when I receive attention I tend to either feel uncomfortable (because it’s new and untrusting is a word coming to me) or I don’t believe it and self sabotage proving the latter true that I am not the things they are praising me for.. because I believe myself to be unworthy
The Journey to Self Love is about uncovering all these hidden aspects: so now I’ll ask:
What is my biggest fear around receiving the attention I crave? Insincerity, interesting
to me I interpret this as being self abandonment. & let me tell you, all in my shadow - ass kissing, and people pleasing, over giving in hopes of receiving reciprocation. So expecting that from others, so where have I been insincere with my attention to gain the attention I crave.
I’m seeing this all circling back to giving myself the attention I desire.
So let’s brainstorm ways to give yourself attention/validation/security:
First I want to say it is REALLY a process of releasing codependency and we truly all do have an aspect of ourselves that crave these things, social media is a big factor in our codependent habits. #validation
complimenting ourselves
breathing into what we are actually feeling in the body, and NAMING THE EMOTION. So often we can label emotions as “I feel good/bad” but when we actually name these emotions we create awareness and connection with ourselves. Being more understanding of ourselves and in turn we validate what we’re feeling.
play! I know I can have shame around playing, learned and told through childhood and moving into school where it was always “homework” what a matrix’d word lol our minds have been programmed for a long time. With playing it can be anything you enjoy doing! If shame arises, work through that and feel into it to release, releasing by moving and continue on, if you’re dancing in a mirror and shame arises close your eyes and dance harder just let it go!
eye gazing, look at your beautiful self in the mirror for 10 mins and allow all feelings, beliefs and fears to arrive and let them pass by continuing looking deep into your eyes and soul to see the true beauty that lays beneath our surface
journaling is obviously one of my favorites, I know I feel better after writing this. I feel a lot lighter and more content, not so attached to the external and more Intune with my own self - attention! yay <3
There’s a lot coming up through this full moon eclipse I tell ya
A LOT OF SHADOW WORK, transformation, death and rebirth
I can feel it all just bubbling and ready to be let go
Codependency is one hell of a feeling but it isn’t here to hold you prisoner, it’s here to help you and show you, guide you to the answers and desires your soul is craving and needing.
I love you! Let me know how you’re working through codependency or if you have any other ideas on how to gift ourselves the love we deserve
