From my Ego

To my dearest;

This is something I am writing over time. It will grow with us and for us to always reflect on. My intention is that this will expand our perspectives of ourselves and our relationship together and separately to allow cohesion in many areas where there once was instability.

From my experience I’ve witnessed a lot of my own doings sabotaging such beautiful developments between us and it can be taken as a mirror in many ways. Where one is searching for fulfillment through another where I believe that our relationship and journey together is teaching us to find within what we usually have found externally. 

It is an easy fix in the game of life to find external validation for things that need attention, a loving way in procrastination of evolution. For as if we were to evolve the courage needed in ultimately overcoming these obstacles needs to be found within and without the belief that we can hold such courage - the road seems insurmountable.

Now I may be using words in such a way that seems cryptic but at the same time beautifully eloquent and poetic. It’s to hopefully open and expand such consciousness of understanding through a depth that is unknown to the egoic structure we are used to. A knowing of intuitive resonance that we both feel yet do not have the conscious words to articulate and communicate.

I guess this all begins with what I am faced with while I begin writing this. I am faced with a myriad of should’s could’s and would’s while i am bombarded with the past mishaps that has held me so stranded and stuck in a dark place of stagnance.

The mind can create quite the prison. I didn’t realize this was going to start off by being so dark and grim but i just have this depth of feeling that is telling me how I have broken you down and beat you up due to my own lack of vision in where this all stems from. 

Ah the human experience. 

I feel a connection with Pippa here where i truly can’t see what is around me until it hits me in the face i can only hear and what i hear triggers such a huge feeling and wave of emotion i find myself in this spiral of unsafety being encapsulated by fear.

Fear of how i am being perceived fear around what i am doing and this isn't like me when in reality i don't even like the me i am holding space and identity for, i love my essence i don't like the box i am living in. this is my ego slowly dying

Something i have relied on my whole life, which is no different to any human we all experience this if we truly seek enlightenment which is the dissolution of the ego the fear and the stories that hold humans back from truly opening themselves to what is

So this ego death is feeling quite real and quite raw it feels scary and i don't like it

I dont know what’s on the other side but i am told it is worth it

Nothing is real, nothing is stable for me

The instability you feel is emotional

It's what lies underneath the surface of perfection

It’s my waves of emotions that i have not dealt with i have allowed myself to numb to the waves and just lived in fear in a coma 

Not truly living and not truly dying

Purgatory

Being alone with myself i just want to run back to you

I feel lonely inside of me because i don't give the time needed to really explore the depths that i am

Everything should be different than what it is and so i dive for external explanation of what is when it is what it is

There is no difference than right now

My fears will remain

I see how spiritual this connection is what it is capable of

I rush through it and i push things to force it into what i believe it should be and ultimately push you away and myself here i am regretting 

There is so much me in this equation

It’s something that i can control is myself

When really is there even a “me”?

Everything is illusory

It's the illusion of an identity that i have

So if i do something, is that like me?

Oh that so isn’t like me

It’s all a perception of what me is

What if everything that was ever needed can be found in this moment right now

What if everything is perfect right now?

What is my true essence, that i can hold on to in knowing through the turbulent waters of what is right now

There is so separation from what we want and what we need because it can be found in the present

Being present

The fear of losing you

It overwhelms me

When really can i ever lose you if the concept of who i thought you were was just created

You are always here with me

To release attachment to what the mind is saying

It fucking says shit all the time

Release attachment to it all

Wow what a concept