what’s next?

Jan 30

Written By Jessie Martin

what is this story even about?

this story of life

we all have different paths and avenues to take

what direction we go is our own journey of self

where are we going?

what do we want to expereince?

how long till we get there?

its a weird feeling

calming the mind

to gain clarity

getting to a point of clarity in this journey where i feel like im finally starting to sense my own way of soveriegnty

and the hardest part ive found is askiing for help

its a weird position

because im starting to see where this happens

and why i feel this way

where do we need help in our lives?

where do we struggle to hold our own or what is this feeling of help?

its recieving

its being open to recieve

recieve what

when we dont want to recieve something we dont always look in that direction

it can be really messed up how we gloss over details

unknowingly

our filter has just completely diverted the view from these parts of ourselves that we dont want to see

and thats where help comes in

where does this help come from?

im realizing people

something ive wanted to separate from

a feeling of starting new in a brand new place

has never been so strong

this is internal though

these are stemmed from wounds

how does this even happen

standing afoot a new adventure and wondering how i even got here

it was all a blur

i was alone a lot

i felt like i was on borrowed time

waiting for the next shoe to drop

but that was internal

from being raised in a home i couldnt actually relax in

to going into a life that i didnt feel comfort in

i am not really certain how all this happens

just learning more about my mind

to find a way to happiness

how this trauma we experience is tied to mental illness and our quality of life

how are these all tied together

its been a process of unearthing these aspects of self

a lot were really grained in there lol deeply seated

and it doesnt have a for sure destination

i feel like i dont really need to understand whats going on

because the connection in needing to know

was entirely false to begin with

i made it to this point to go to the next chapter

to me it felt guided

i feel i can see the peaks and valleys of degradation to my power in realtionships

its been in the last 10 years where ive relied majority of my decisions for my relationships on others shoulders and everyone elses opinion

or the weight of the relationship was what i was carrying is what it felt

kinda playing within the lines of peoples expectations

and its closed me off and caged me in

feeling like i was never really living my own life anyways

its hard to accept it

it hard to really look at whats going on here

because im healing this abandonment that i have been disconnected from myself for a very long time

so long that i dont even know what im really like underneath all this

and the fact that i feel i have people looking in on this

thats where i get really closed up

i dont like this feeling

who do i feel

i feel safety and protection

but who are they

they are in the spirit

i can feel this coming together of 3d and 5d

this is consciousness

this is collective consciousness

dang

who am i

who do i want to be

lol these thoughts are wild

omg i know why too

jesus this whole story is so intense

but this is subconsciously

through trauma

wtfff

i can see my relationship past

where it got significantly bumpier

as they went on through the years

i feel like i kinda got beat down so much to a point where i dont really know what happened

it brought me to a place of complete surrender

as i fight my way through lol

im still wondering where it all ends up

what is this all saying to me

i guess allow it lol

this book i feel will be a lonely persons best friend

someone to talk to and venture into the subconscious with

its something i feel im having a change of heart about

this started off so angry lol

and maybe its all for the plot

because my intention is that this will help others go through whatever the hell this is

life

through this healing and year i feel im going to transform my mental and emotional health

clearing my heart

i feel really powerful within myself to actually suceed

but what am i succeeding in

this journey of self

internally driven to find the key to my happiness lol

lol i have so many defense mechanisms to eep people away too

i dont like deodarant, dont rememebr dont care lol whatever it is

how i sus situations about

isolating and being internal

which i dont see as a bad thing

its just how it is

lol how the mind works

this is such a fucked situation lol my mind just goes in every possible direction

i dont know where it goes

what it is

how it got here

but i just feel like im lost

i think but then i dont write what i think

i can see like people i dont know

but the faces are kinda like this weird anyways gunna move on now

lol what a ride it is in my mind

how does one put it into action

i feel like im understanding now what this is all about

i can feel that through trauma what happens is we get caught up

in loops

unhealthy patterns of behvaiour

that stunt our growth upwards

when were in this pattern

it usually feels normal

its automatic to go into

what doesnt feel normal is to change the habit

it causes disturbances

within

lol

awakens something inside

that isn’t something we really wanan deal with

its angers and boils things to the surface

that are gross

to feel and look at

it brings us to a point where its like wtf is this shit

and i see why we dont

automatically go there

to these dense emotions that are holding this control together

its like everything happens all at once

but when does it happen and what timeline are we grabbing from?

what frequency are we in

lol the last paragraph took about an hour to write lol

so i hope these subconscious healing downloads are working correctly

thats what im calling this now

writings new name

when we go through something like this and our physical bodies shift

to match a new energetically aligned version of ourselves

its so weird how more pieces of the puzzle are coming together

slowly but surely they match up and align

i can see the dynamics in relationships where if you love unconditionally

then you can see yourself in everyone

well

i find it easier to see others lol

less personal

but either way

it’ll be put in a position where you gotta see yourself

or else you run lol

and for me it just feels like i just let go and live my life

i feel good on my own

i always have someone hiding away that i can go to

and i forget that sometimes

i get caught up

and through my own experience ive seen this veil

where we are kinda clouded from sound judgement

we arent aware

but the unawareness is also years of experience

so where are you?

looking at the self

something ive had a hard time doing

how does one truly see the self without the mirror of others?

i can be myself all i want alone

but as soon as i have people around me i feel like im encountering newness in me

all these different story lines of my life

they were created in my mind

but its the same story

the story i believe to be true

just put in different scenarios

the story ive been trying t0o piece together

theres two things i feel that arer merging

its a merging of lives

2 separate worlds that came together

outside and inside