How Did I end Up Here

its been a long road of feeling lost andstuck and scared and lonely

i feel like i have been at war for so long

it is internal and it is fierce

its wounding

its taken over my entire mental cpaacity

i feel like ive slept on myself for so long

but i also feel like it had to happen like this or this is the only way that it couldve happened it could totally be a coping mechanism to deflect responsibility from myself but legit it helps

its taken 30 years, my entire fucking life to get to this point im at today

i can feel whole in myself

i can see my downsides and be like okay that sucks feel the shame and embarrassment bring in love and move on

thats strength

i kept looking for myself in other people

i could culminate it to a bunch of stuff

but its mental

its generational

and its mine to heal with now

its stong i cam feel the presence of my ancestors andtheir pain and it fuels me to strive and be more

just feeling into the oppression they dealt with

yikes

i can see where the demons in me have been working behindthe scenes to trick me

only because im not aware ofthem

or wasnt

my imprint in my life is someone having authority over me i give up all boundaries and just crumble and then i meet someones smaller than me and i take them down same way but ive repressed so many emotions for so long ive only recently really feeling strong to express myself in relationship because i would repress and i like didnt allow myself to feel things and then id blow up so ive had to learn like how to emotionally regulate myself from a really angry state after coming back into my body

i dissociated a lot of my 20s

it does feelaligned where i am right now

like i feel so good about myself and who i am

i am divinely balanced right now

and i needed these ecperiences to learn, so i can teach