deep wounds

just when we think we have it all figured out

we are faced with another aspect of self

asking to be felt and held

witnessed

these parts can hurt just as much as they did when it all first happened

when they come up

i guess thats why we have them hidden

protected

safely guarded in the flesh of our own suits

what we wear and walk around in

they are what we have been given

what we have chosen

a feeling of emptiness can reside in them

even though they are full of memories and feelings

a story of our lives

a disconnect

created from pain, hurt

i wonder if joy feels as good as it does when it occurs

or if the pain of these past memories feel better after the fact

the realization of a life well lived

tears in replacment of what we once held

the nostalgia

burns

burns through these walls weve built around these special memories

to protect them?

well ive noticed if we hold on to this pain

we are carrying what we thought was protection

self preservation

only to realize that we were protecting ourselves from the very thing we were craving

these precious moments of love

laughter

connection

how does one release this pain

i think its the very experience that we manifest

the equal or greater to

that which breaks the walls

the damn unlocks

and the pain rushes out

pressure

thats what it was

stopping us from feeling

feeling what we thought we were protecting us from

when it was within us all along

this rememberance

of peace

joy

happiness

so long ago was stripped

shed

taken away

given away

in exchange for safety

love and

whatever else we find of value

these tears tell the story of a life well lived

a story well written

planned

and thought out

carefully curated

to protect

these tears release the weight and pressure of the fears of authenticity

who is god?

and why was i scared of him knowing who i was at my core

shame

fear

now more than ever i feel a sense of watching

vulnerability sinks in

and its these walls

the walls that made me feel safe

if no one can see me

then i can be

free

only to realize i have closed myself off

to things i desire and crave in life

due to my fears of this “god” seeing me

created a long time ago

and passed down to me

dirty parts that have decomposed

leaving a hole within

this void feels empty now that my back is strong and straight

divinely protected

forever