forgiveness
forgiveness is funny
it is multidimensional
its personal for the most part
but it can involve other people
to forgive means we release the situation
this is where i feel a lot of trauma is rooted
abandonment - fear of being completely alone
rejection of our own selves - abandonment of self
if we forgive ourselves then we have to feel whats on the other side of that forgiveness
usually shame and guilt
grief
heavy stuff
it isnt easy to forgive
but when we hold onto this trauma we hold onto fear
this can hold on and grip to unhealthy attachments
because we are in a running dynamic
it comes in waves and is cyclical
each time it comes around
we can forgive a little more
and i guess for me that’s where consistency is showing to be handy lol
i spent a lot of years being a gypsy
fly by night a very only need a vehicle and my dogs type person
get up and go
i had consistency in childhood and it felt constrictive
i grew up kinda angry because i felt oppressed
so my instant reaction was to go running around after i guess my first relationship, my parents divorced too when i was 16 and that sucked things just blew up for me
and i ran from pain lol heart ache but its a story for any life
unhappy childhoods breed imbalance
honestly
i wouldve saved myself so much time
if i wouldve just sat with the pain then
learning that now
as i hold my inner teenager and let her rage
it’s a real thing to feel in life
express our feelings
while holding morals and values to how we want our lives to be
who do we want to be when we grow up lol
i think our consciousness has expanded so much
so stability and consistency are concepts ive wanted but have repelled as well lol
domestication and feralness have been balancing and finding their groove in my life over the past 10 years
foundational things lol
not being completely conscious to it but it got to a point where im like wait
my balance was kinda like those balls that bump into each other lol back and forth
and each time it got harder and harder in the expereince until the pressure just cracked it open
it wobbled until the wheels fell off lol
which is such a funny reference because it was that exactly
and at 30, its embarrassing let me tell you, especially with a huge ego like mine
lol my neuroplasticity is not as flexible as it was in high school either
so to forgive
a situation that feels like wtf is this shit
like literally wtfing shit is this fucking shit
takes time
and i feel like with alchemy
it’s about making different choices
and when we are aware of these things that hurt us in the moment
we take care of our selves
first step dont abandon ourselves our feelings for any reason, what do we feel?
we can be conscious of the pattern within us
and make different choices because we are better prepared for these learnt patterns
releasing shame is a big one
because that is very much involved with our shadow
