embodiment of lilith
i try, push, scream and fight
to stay the same
for things to go back
back to when things were predictable yet unsatisfying
that feeling emanates comfort, nostalgia
tends to the parts of me that no one had ever witnessed
even myself shying away at times
hidden inside of me is the story of my life
the story of me, how i got here
the story i’ve always told
it feels constricting now
and yet is just the hug i need
to say goodbye to what was
what always has been
the me, that i no longer need
the me that brought me to this crossroads
the me that endured the pain and suffering to get here
the me that has cried a thousand tears
for reasons only to feel more, deeper, understand and piece together - me
for me
hiding inside of me
is my own darkness
uniquely curated
something not everyone sees
behind the veil of safety
and self preservation
making friends with my demons
i am the god they’ve always dreamed of
the stinging i feel is from my own weaknesses
the resistance i feel are from my own fears
you were a catalyst in my transformation
the catalyst of something i have yet to put words to
because i have never been here before
the internal chaos subsides
and i’m left with the aftershock
calm, peace, clarity
does not suffice
that pain and chaos has been my muse
my mantra
i created that version of myself to survive this
now what?
i feel like im throwing away the strongest part of myself
and yet i didn’t even have the eyes to see her
she brought me through fire and brimstone
crawled when she couldnt walk
and dragged her ass to the finish line
this is where i’ve come to realize
this is where her story ends
and my story begins
this new model
version
im still learning
she must be somewhat similar?
well i don’t honestly know that answer yet
learning that peace, calm and clarity are of the highest value
yet i want nothing to do with them
my body and mind crave war
it’s all it’s known
surrendering to transformation
i draw my attention to the fire inside
watching the cages burn
impatience builds
its this chemical reaction inside of me
screaming for an outlet
this motivation is like a bomb inside me waiting to go off
no longer am i playing small
for safety and comfort
no longer am i allowing her to get walked over and disregarded
this is a story of resilience and honour
to the woman i once was
if you could even call her that
she was a little girl
scared to grow up
in fear of losing herself in the process
the bright heart that got her here
the one she protected with her life
this entity devouring what once was thought as holy
and turning it into a savage rebellion with no mercy
what is right and wrong in these instances?
what is burning feels far from holy
it feels like control, anger, manipulation, rage and a cry for help
help me out of my own prison
and yet she is the most innocent woman you’d ever meet
i can see her so clearly now
the fear resides in the new
while i repent and release the old
these masks and facades fade
i see her in her truth
it will be me who carries her the rest of the way
for now i am stronger, thanks to her
chaos arises
when i am not in control
the fear i’ve been running from
controlling myself
something i’ve never allowed
these new niceties feeling awkward as i try them on
yet the desire to stabilize myself
outweighs my desire to run
for once in my life
i can now only reminisce
harboring the old is no longer feasible
as i lay in the bed i made
i watch over the internal battle
control vs surrender
light vs dark
awaiting her arrival
the new me i am creating
xx
